10 Thoughts Every Parent Has at Cornbelly's
Wait- you don't know what Cornbelly's is? You must not live in Utah then. Let me explain. It's like a fall festival on steroids.
As if some farmer took one too many falls off the wagon and decided to keep building an amusement park until he ran out of space.
Don't get me wrong. It's A-M-A-Z-I-N-G.
The corn maze is gigantic and voted in a USA Today Reader's Choice Poll as one of the top ten mazes in America. And around every corner there's a doughnut and apple cider waiting to be eaten in the company of a toasty warm fire. What's not to love about that? It's the reason that Cornbelly's has become our fall break ritual for the past three years, despite the colder weather and the crowds.
And yet... every year when we go I find myself having the same thoughts. Thoughts that come to me as I'm staring at my phone so I can pretend I didn't just see that boy stuff a handful of corn down his pants at Corn Beach. I'm pretty sure I'm not alone on this one. Here, in no particular order, are the things that occur to me at Cornbelly's.
1. Why can no one ever get a good picture of their kid coming down the giant slide?
We all stand there at the bottom like paparazzi, desperate for the perfect shot. And all you get is your kid, eyes closed, mouth open, obscured by messy hair and snotty nose, as they land in a heap of burlap at your feet and promptly begin to cry.
2. Dear, God please let my kid come out of that Rat Maze still breathing and without any communicable diseases.
Why can't I see her? Where is she? Is she stuck? Is she crying? Oh, my God. I can't even breathe right now.
3. So I guess I'm eating kettle corn for dinner.
Yep. Definitely happening.
4. Why, oh why do my kids legs stop working exactly five minutes into the corn maze?
They were perfectly fine when he was running away from me and cutting in line for the Cow Train. And now they appear to be permanently broken. Sigh.
5. For the love of God, kid, don't put that piece of corn in your mouth.
See this gigantic expanse just waiting to be waded through and buried under? It's all been in someone's pants today. Every last kernel of it.
6. I appreciate that you're excited little boy but if you shove my kid one more time
I'm gonna punch your momma in the mouth. Just kidding. But really, hands off, buddy.
7. Does it seem like a good idea to you to have a mass of children gather and then shoot candy at the crowd from a water cannon mounted on a truck?
Cause I'm having Lord of the Flies flashbacks right now.
8. You want how much to airbrush an intricate design on my kid's face that will be smudged into raccoon circles by the time we hit the car?
Ummm... no thanks.
9. I didn't even know it was possible for a kid to jump that high.
On these giant pillows filled with air and 25 other maniacs high on sugar. Where's first aid again? I better check the map.
10. Why is my car so FAR away?
I want to cry. I need coffee. Where is the closest coffee?
PSA: Parenting Service Announcement. Closest Coffee to Cornbelly's.
Later, as I tuck my kiddos into bed, sticky with marshmallow and chocolate from their nightcap of smores, I think the same thing. Best autumn outing ever.